Frustration

So I've been thinking. Mostly about my life and where it's going. The answer to that right now is: nowhere. I feel stalled, but I have this momentum that is trying to push me forward....I'm just not going. I'm not entirely sure why, either. I have taken the steps I need to take to move on and go back to school....except for the most important step: actually applying to schools. I think about why I'm not doing that full force right now and I have no answer. I have no family, nothing really holding me back. I mean, I have family, but not a wife and kids and the like. I can really do or go anywhere I want to, but for some reason I'm stuck.

Here's the thing: I have a job that pays me well. It is also a job that I'm not too fond of, but it allows me to pursue do what I want to do, more or less. I leave my job at 5 PM and I don't think about it until 8 AM the next morning. I get a regular paycheck, vacations, a 401k, benefits, all the good stuff. But I am entirely unsatisfied with my work, and therefore with my life. I have been trying to view my job as a means to an end. A way for me to live the life I want to live outside of work. It almost works....the only problem is that I spend the majority of my time at work, as we all do. So having a job that is completely unfulfilling does not do much for my disposition.

There is really nothing that should be holding me back from applying to schools and moving on with my life. I will be living in poverty for awhile, surely, and it will be a lot of work. But I always have loved a good challenge. It would also likely mean moving away from my parents and my sister, which is something that is going to be difficult for me. I guess what it comes down to is this: I'm not happy right now, but I can't seem to move on. I'm not sure why. Maybe I lack the will power to make myself do something? Or maybe I'm just in a slump. I think I'm going to go with the "in a slump" idea. That implies that I will get out of it and get my rear in gear and live the life I want to live. The other problem is...I'm not sure what life that is yet.

Life and other pursuits

Well I've had a busy couple of weeks. I took the GRE, passed thankfully, and then started thinking about my life. Let me tell you, actually I'm sure you already know, life is a tough one to figure out. I started my adult life going to school for neuroscience/pre-med. I did that for awhile until I realized that I had my priorities in the wrong order and decided to pursue a career in saxophone performance. Contrary to what most people thought, apparently that is not what I was meant to do. Losing that dream thanks to my physical inability to play my saxophone for extended periods of time completely crushed me. In fact, that was over 5 years ago and I still cried at the drop of a hat about it this past spring. So I came back to the U of M and pursued a degree in psychology and got it and then went on to do everything but psychology until my mother told me I was getting old and wasting my life and now here I am. I had every intention to go to school for psychology and then realized that I wanted to pursue something different. I have not felt this alive since I lost the ability to play my saxophone. I'm so very excited to get going with everything I can hardly contain myself. So here I am, once again, embarking on a new adventure. I feel like I have physically relocated myself, but I haven't. I'm still in the same place, it's just like a veil has lifted. That's a really good feeling.

Enough about me...let's talk about people who have actually physically relocated. For those of you who know what I do, you may think I'm talking about work, but I'm not! Our long-time neighbors down-sized to a condo, and we've recently gotten new ones. I don't know much about them, but I've seen them out and about. They are a younger couple with 4 kids. To keep confusion to a minimum, let's call the parents Wayne and Margo Entibidore, and the children Sharon, Salvadore, Martin, and Gwen. I'm not sure about the boy to girl ratio, but let's run with this. According to my mother, the Entibidore family just moved from Lino Lakes. Their children, however, have always gone to school in Roseville, and two years ago the family also lived in Roseville. That begs the question: why the move? Clearly Wayne and Margo liked the Roseville school district or the kids would have been moved to the Lino Lakes school district as well. So what happened? Why the move to Lino Lakes? I can do nothing but speculate, but let me tell you what I think. I have a few working theories. First, maybe one or more members of the Entibidore family witnessed a horrific crime and were relocated to avoid attacks. I imagine they did not change schools so as not to upset the children even more than they were. They were all likely accompanied by a plain-clothed (but armed) bodyguard during their school day, which I'm sure was somewhat traumatic yet cool. The case has probably been closed and the Entibidore's security guaranteed so they were able to move back to Roseville. Second, perhaps the Entibidores were run out of their neighborhood by the other residents. It could be that they were so disrespectful, or maybe their integrity was under suspicion, that it was a force-out. They couldn't move to Shoreview or Lauderdale, or anywhere within a ten mile radius as word travels. So they went to Lino Lakes. Now maybe the rest of the neighborhood is gone or they had them killed off and it's safe for them to move back. Only time will tell how they rate as neighbors. And finally, the most boring and therefore the most likely, perhaps they found a house they just couldn't pass up in Lino Lakes. Maybe it was their first home purchase, very exciting. They finally realized what a commute it was for work and school, so practicality brought them back to Roseville. All of these theories deserve further investigation.